Waluigi's Lycopene Incident
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: A fated day resulting in disharmony


The dreamiest man in purple was looking his spiffiest that day, dressed to perfection in the slickest sweater vest anyone had ever seen. He had only just picked it up on the clearance rack, unbeknownst to the casuals, but, dang, did he look good!

Waluigi entered the local burger shop, wowed everyone in the establishment with his razzle-dazzle, and steezily plopped down to study his menu.

A shy waitress approached the gorgeous figure's table. "Can I help you, sir?" she stammered, amazed by his formidable jawline.

"Yeah," purred the violet mage of heart-stealing. "Gimme your finest burger with some delish fries and a Diet Pepsi."

The waitress fainted as the illustrious soundwaves bounced off of her. The other workers rushed over to revive her and then quickly scampered back to the kitchen to retrieve their god's holy feast.

Five minutes later, Waluigi was ready to take a bite of his blessed sandwich. He sank his pristine pearly whites into the bun, slowly incising into the leafy greens, dill pickles, and steamy meats. Most likely, one would relish in the glorious components, however, the warlord of love was far from impressed.

The owner of the restaurant quaked in his boots as he saw the dissatisfied expression his consumer displayed. He prepared to fire everyone in the vicinity, including the other customers.

"It's not bad," sighed Waluigi, twirling his gelled nasal hair as he took in the burger's aura like a critic of fine art. "It is just missing a smeech of something. You get me, boys?"

Own of the chefs nodded and hurriedly slammed a bottle of ketchup onto Waluigi's table. Waluigi gave him a wink of agreement and popped the cap off the crimson container. The owner breathed a sigh of relief and promoted the chef to Ultra Chef Omega.

Waluigi poured an ample amount of the tomato condiment onto his open bun. He slowly pressed the slices back together in a slow, orderly fashion. He smiled in contentment and brought the meal ever so close to his kissable lips.

And then… tragedy struck.

A minute splash followed a thick chew that echoed across all four walls of the establishment. All of a sudden, Waluigi's worst fears had been realised. His burger had leaked, and a ketchup droplet had escaped the stacked collection. To seal the deal, the droplet's destination could not have been any more conveniently horrific.

"My grand sweater vest!" cried Waluigi, staring in heart-wrenching shame at the lycopene stain splattered on his once hallowed robe.

"He is ruined," a Shy Guy customer whispered to his Wiggler partner.

"His godhood has been stripped," a Goomba mused aloud.

"A pity…" a Thwomp breathed heavily.

The restaurant owner furrowed his brow and grit his teeth. "This man in an absolutely shell of his former glory. Rid my domain of this filthy scourge!"

"Aye-aye, Cap'n!" said two muscle-bound Toads with serious biceps. They walked up to Waluigi and seized him by his scrawny purple arms. Moments later, Waluigi was face-flat on the street, weeping into the asphalt, tears seeping down the smooth pavement into the sewer grates.

As he struggled to rise, he was constantly beat down by the passersby who shrieked in horror at the sight of his has-been emanation. Mothers shielded their children's curious gazes. Husbands held their dear spouses close in fear of impurities. Even the trees began to whither at the encroachment of their innocence.

Several hours passed of pain and suffering. Waluigi finally caught a break from the riots and was able to return to his feet. To his shock and dismay, the entire town had been abandoned. Streets were empty, doors were locked, windows boarded, and skies hazy with misfortune. Waluigi wept into his sleeve and ran away as fast as he could.

He finally reached his home after much ado. He hoped dearly to receive a warm welcome from his brother. Instead he was met with a hard fist to the nose.

"Why?" he cried.

Wario looked down at the mucus coating his white glove. "You are not my brother. You are a tainted thief. Your evils are sickening! Begone, demon!" He took another swing, but Waluigi dodged and ran away into the forest.

"What have I done?" Waluigi wept as the trees around him slowly collapsed into defamed corpses. "I was careless with my lycopene consumption and this is the horror I rue! Dirty barnacles!"

The crows cawed overhead before dropping to the ground as a reflection of darkness overload. Waluigi cursed his sweater vest and his hamburger. He gripped both sides and tore the abomination off of his being. He wailed into the foggy dusk skies as he strained to regain his righteousness. Seconds passed like hours, minutes like aeons.

Finally, after much strife, the dark deed had been done. Waluigi discarded the two halves of his soiled tunic into the murky pond, fatefully slaying the frogs and microbes who never even had a chance. He prayed that he would be forgiven by mother nature and trudged back to his house with his mind wholly set on atonement.

Wario opened the door slowly, saw his unvested brother, and jumped to embrace him. "You are beautiful again, Brother!" he sobbed, tears splashing against Waluigi's solid complexion.

"Yes, Brother. I am whole," he replied, returning the hug. The two went inside, binged House reruns, and played Parcheesi.

That was the day Waluigi learnt of transgression.

That was the day that we all learnt of the chains…

**FIN**


End file.
